Harry Potter and the Bottle of Wand Polish
by summersdoom
Summary: Okay folks, first one up here and it's a crack fic. This is what happens when my cousin and I get very, very bored....... Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Harry Potter and the Bottle of Wand Polish

Helpful Hints: (*co-authors notes*) "talking"

Co-Authors Notes: This was a joke that got WAY out of hand (which unfortunately happens a lot with us. *sighs* oh well) . So we decided to write this little bit of insanity down for you to laugh at (or with) our insanity. Oh and P.S. there are 2 of us! not just one person with a split personality :D

Disclaimer: Belongs to JK, we don't own them, nor do we claim to. We just borrow them, play with them, and give them back afterwards. Just looking slightly ravished. If I did own them, I would keep Lucius, Remus, and Sirius chained to my bed (it's a really big bed ;D)

It all started as your usual day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Golden Trio were hanging out together and falling into their well written and publicized roles. Ron was hungry, Harry was hot, Hermoine was doing her homework, Dumbledor was crazy, Snape was being the snarky, greasy, great bat of the dungeons, and all was well within the castle. But back in the Gryffindor common room, trouble was brewing.

"Would you like me to polish your wand?" asked Blaise, his eyebrow cocked (*the co-authors are currently ignoring the fact that he is in Slytherin...*)

"Sure" piped up Ron. Blaise turned to Harry who was shaking with laughter and unfortunately choose that moment to break down into hysterics, tears falling down his face.

"I would!" shouted Draco, who randomly popped out of nowhere (*bad habit, that*). "In fact I would _love_ for you to polish my wand!" Blaise shook his head

"No, I mean, do you want me to, you know, '_polish your wand_?'" said Blaise with an oh-so-sexy eyebrow waggle.

"YES! I know what you mean! Meet me in the room of requirement at ten o'clock."

"Wha'?!" said Blaise, utterly confused by this point. "You're actually _serious_ about this?"

"Yes! I've been trying to get Weasley to do me all week but, he keeps showing up with wand polish in stead of blueberry flavored condoms!" Draco groaned. At this point Hermione entered the room to scold Harry and Ron _(yet again) _about not doing their homework, but when she heard this, she promptly made and about face and took off down the hall, mumbling something that sounded like '_bathroom' _and '_cold shower', _possibly _'wanking'_. Draco continued with growing frustration.

"Yeah, and if that's not enough, he asked me if it was my wand under my robes and every time I said _"No but it is made of wood"_, he just thinks I've brought my broomstick." Ron turned to Harry who was still trying (in vain) not to laugh.

"What's so bloody funny?" Harry tried to speak again but all he managed this time was _invite me _and what sounded suspiciously like _lotion _and a cough at the very end that was actually _fuzzy handcuffs _backwards. Needless to say Draco and Blaise were _delighted_ with this idea.

"Would you like to polish our wands Harry?" Asked Blaise with a small smexy grin (*schmexy, haha*)(*couldn't resist!*).

"Yes I would, nice and shiny for you too." Harry said, looking up at them with his big, beautiful eyes (*wooo! go LotR! lol*). Draco looked at Blaise who grinned and nodded, and he promptly whisked Harry upstairs (with Blaise not far behind of course) where the bed sounded like it was getting a jolly good workout. About half an hour later Draco and Blaise came down the stairs looking _very _pleased with themselves, with quite a few shirt buttons missing, and their hair in complete disarray. Ron, who was yet again polishing his wand, looked up as they came down.

"Where's Harry?" he asked, confused. Draco and Blaise smirked, and a voice from upstairs (which what be later identified as that of the, "boy-who-got-laid") moaned, "Oh my achn' arse!" Draco smiked and patted Ron on the head.

"Harry is a bit, ah, _indisposed_ at them moment. He'll be back down later for another (Insert small pause) _polishing session." _with that, Draco and Blaise walked out of the Gryffindor common room, laughing evily of course, and went off to start their own little escapade which they lovingly dubbed '_Quidditch Practice_'.

Co-authors: Woohooo! It's finally finished!

Draco: *snorts* Yeah_, finally,_ because this must have taken you _sooo _long to do.

Summer: Shut up, blondy. We own you. And if we don't, then in exactly one second I will spontaneously combust! *spontaneous combustion occurs*

Draco: Ha!

Summer: Damn! Well, fine then, but you still have to do what I say. I'm one of the authors, remember?

Harry: Yeah. And besides, why are you complaining? You get free wand polishing from me _and _Blaise.

Solunais: *Grabbs Lucius Malfoy's hand and drags him it dark corner to snog* Can we have a bit of quiet! We're snogging over here! Although we don't own you, you have to obey whatever we say here!

Draco: yeah, there is that little fact- hey, where did she come from? And what the bloody hell is she doing with my dad?! Eeeew!

Solunais: He's your son, didn't you tell him about the bird's and the bees? *Sees Remus walking by, grabs him and gives him a snog*

Summer: *snickers* Yeah Lucius. And hey, we can use _all _of you. Even the adults. *runs off with Moony and Padfoot*

Solunais: Hey! I was planning to have an orgy with Padfoot and Moony(sighs)... Oh well, maybe next time! I still have Lucious Lucius

Summer: *looks up from snogging the two of them* Haha!

Solunais: *Grabs Bill Wesley and gives him a snog as well* (Such a kissing slut!) It's ok, you can play with them for now. I'll be nice and share.

Draco: I think I need some serious therapy now... My dad in a threesome with a _Wesley_ and a completly mental co-author....

Summer: That's what we're here for! Anyway, thanks for reading. We hoped you enjoyed it (even if it is just bits of fluff stringed together). I'd to stay and chat, but I know a couple of dogs who have been very naughty...*grins eeeevillly* oh, Paaaadfooooot!

Sirius: *runs*

Remus: Gotta run. Seriously, she's crazy. Bye!


End file.
